


My R

by Bowlergirl603



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Family Issues, Making Up, Past Relationship(s), Singing, Slurs, Song Inspired, Squips (Be More Chill), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Unhealthy Relationships, several events in one fic, slight crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bowlergirl603/pseuds/Bowlergirl603
Summary: He always had a reason to step awayUntil he couldn't recall it any longer
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy
Kudos: 12





	My R

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by My R 
> 
> Song: Little White Lie (Brooklynite)
> 
> https://youtu.be/A2VlvIzRItY

Catherine Murphy let her fingers graze the walls of the narrow stairwell of her apartment building. She took a deep breath and breathed in the lingering smell of bleach and carpet cleaner from when the landlord cleaned the fifteen year old worn-down stair rug just hours ago. It was kind of sickening, but she didn't care much. It would all be over soon anyways. 

She reached the top of the winding stairs and found herself in front of a dull grey door with a pop lock that had been catching dust. It was obvious no one had been up there in a while. Catherine picked up the lock and twirled it around in her hand. There was a keyhole on the bottom. She pulled out a bobby pin that was being used to push back her bangs (she was trying to grow them out) and inserted it into the keyhole. 

This wasn't the first time Catherine picked a lock. Two years ago she felt like her best friend didn't actually like her, and her eleven year old brain thought that reading the girl's diary would answer all her questions. She looked up a tutorial on how to pick a lock and it seemed incredibly easy. It made her question her own personal safety after learning how to do it. Either way, she got the diary open and indeed found the proof she needed to know that her "friend" was only hanging out with her for her family's money. Needless to say, Catherine broke off all connections with her old friend and never spoke to her again, unless they were forced to do group work together in school. 

That wasn't the first time she had been betrayed by someone she thought she could trust. It became a cycle. Make a friend, put your trust in them, get your heart broken. That was the story of Catherine Murphy's life, but _ him.  _ She thought he was different.

The lock popped open with a satisfying  _ click _ . She slid it off the door and dropped it on the ground. The door creaked open and little whooshes of wind tried to battle their way inside. Catherine pushed open the door and stepped outside onto the roof of the building. She took in a deep breath of the cool summer night air and walked up to the edge of the roof, leaning forward on the railing that was supposed to keep people from falling. She crossed her arms and sighed. 

She looked out over the city in front of her. The view reminded her of her times with him. They were sitting on a park bench together, her head resting on his shoulder and their hands intertwined. It was a starry night like this one. They stared up in the sky for what seemed like hours until he pushed back her hair and said, "I love you." She felt her heart swell three sizes bigger as she looked back up at him and kissed him on the cheek. That had been one of the happiest days of her life.

Of course, all good things must come to an end.

_ It was lunch time at school and all Catherine wanted to do is sit with her boyfriend today. She got up and walked away from her usual seat at the end of her class's assigned table and walked towards the back of the cafeteria. She found him sitting with his friends laughing at a joke one of them made. She smiled and sat down in the empty seat next to him.  _

_ "Hey M̷̧̘̫̥͓̏̑͐̓͜͜i̴̡̼̼̲̼̭͋͑̀͌̉̊̂̉͝g̶̤͕̗̥͎̏͂͠ṷ̷͌̎̉̕͠ẽ̸͔̙̩̰̫̘͎͕͖̫̇l̶̫̤̟͑̿̄̑," she said, waving to him. All the boys around her exchanged uneasy glances. He got up and motioned for Catherine to follow him. She looked back at the boys, who were each giving her the same look of pity. _

_ He led her to one corner of the lunchroom. No teachers seemed to be around, all of them busy either monitoring the kids on line or scanning all the tables for signs of anyone copying homework from each other. Once M̸̩̭̈̅̔̐͠í̶͎̈́́́̽g̸͔̥̩̮̬͕̋ū̵͈͚̊̈́̽͛͠͝e̴̟̓̈́̏̽͠l̷̯̋saw this he sighed, then looked Catherine in the eye, a frown forming on his face. _

_ "Ȋ̵̢̟̼̙̇̎ ̸̬͖̥͋̽̚d̸͕͎̑̂ͅǫ̵̝̘̅̆͐͘n̶̥͖͎̔'̶̢̭̀̅̈́ͅt̸̩͗̋͊ ̷͉̥̋̉́̈́w̶̮͗̒̓a̶̡̘̲̱̮̋̊̈͋͒n̵̖͑͋̌t̵̛̼̭̑͜͠ ̷̣̼̮̫̻̊t̴͕͓͋̍o̸̹̰̠̮͋̿̔ ̷̝̱̙̣̚b̸̭̜̖̣̈́ͅé̴͎͚̃̄͋ ̸̪̗̀̃̀͝w̸̧̻͎̣͌̔̈́i̶̢͕͍͉͑͝t̵̟͔͂̈́̑̕h̴̨̛͎̙̋̂̑̃ ̸̪͈͛͝y̵̧̢̛̱̘̫ơ̶̧̡̲̺̹̔u̴̧͙̼̐̐̃̌̌ ̵̣̱͍͐͒̀ͅa̴̹̋̀n̷͇̎y̷͍̎̈́̏m̶̤̈́̍ơ̶̺͇̼͍͛̇̊͆ṙ̵͍̪̹̤̤͋̈e̸̲̅̄ ̵̧̛͈̈́̾̿̆" _

_ Catherine felt the same feelings of guilt and betrayal from when she found that her best friend had been lying to her about their friendship. Only now it was ten times worse. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes as she clenched her fists, trying to stay strong, though she was failing miserably. She turned her back on him and stormed out of the lunchroom. She felt streams of tears flowing down her face as she tried to find the nearest bathroom to hide in. She heard his voice call out to her from back inside the lunchroom. _

_ "W̷̱̅a̴͎̾̚í̸̤͚̫̉͗ͅt̶͈̻̲̐͂͗̆̈́!̷͈͂" _

_ She didn't look back. _

Catherine didn't even realize she was crying until droplets of salty tears fell down her face and onto her thin red sweater, leaving little splotches of water where they each landed. She lifted up her black thin framed glasses and wiped the remaining tears off her face with her sleeve. She was so sick of the same sad story. She didn't want to live in a world where she was only destined to feel sad and betrayed.

She carefully climbed over the rooftop railing and landed on a little ledge on the other side of it. One wrong move and she would free fall off the twenty story building. Would that really be a bad thing, though? Still, she gripped onto the railing and took deep breaths, preparing herself for what she was about to do. 

_ You're really going through with this? You're pathetic; jumping just because you're upset you couldn't have what you wanted? That's just telling the world you're weak. _

Catherine started to lift her right foot, but hesitated. Was she really doing this just because of a boy? No, it was because of all the people in her life! They all betray her; always leaving her in the dust.

_ Such a lame reason. It sounds like you're trying to convince  _ yourself _ this is a good idea. _

Catherine's grip on the bar tightened as she began to silently cry. She looked down at the ground below her...then slowly and carefully started to climb back over the railing. She landed with a thud as her two feet hit the cement rooftop. Taking a shaky breath, she retreated back into the apartment building. She locked the roof entrance and went down the stairs, sneaking back into the apartment she lived in with her parents and sister. 

Quietly, Catherine tiptoed into the kitchen, being careful not to wake her family up. She reached into her back pocket and ran her fingers over the folded up suicide note she had written hours before. Sighing, she took it out. She unfolded it halfway, about to read it over again... but she couldn't do it. She didn't want to be reminded of what she tried to do tonight. Turning on the stove, she tossed the letter into the fire, watching as it caught flame and started deteriorating, to the point where she wouldn't have been able to make out any words even if she wanted to. When it completely turned to ash she turned off the fire and dusted the remains of the letter into the garbage can.

She left the room feeling satisfied with her work. Careful to watch for any creaks in the steps, she made her way up to her room. She went inside and shut her door, sighing in relief. Catherine threw herself onto her bed landing face first on the fluffy white pillow. She fell asleep within minutes, trying to forget about that nights events.

_______________________

Pebbles fell off the edge of the roof as someone landed on the skinny ledge of the non-safe side of the rooftop railing. Connor Murphy kept one hand glued to the bar and one shoved in his sweatshirt pocket, gripping onto a pencil and a blank piece of paper he swiped from his dad's work desk. With one hand still on the railing, the boy was able to carefully sit himself down in the little space he had to work with. He took a deep breath and sighed. 

The last time he was up here was two years ago. He promised himself he would never let himself get to this point again, but look where he is now. He leaned his head back against the rail and looked up at the night sky. No stars could be seen tonight. Despite that, he just stared into the dark nothingness for a while, dreading what he was going to have to do. 

After twenty minutes he couldn't convince himself to keep staring at the sky for any longer, and instead he pulled out the pencil and he had brought up with him. He mindlessly tapped the pencil on his chin, trying to think of what to say. Using his leg as a surface to write on, he put his pencil to the paper and wrote out the first few words.

**_Dear world,_ **

**_I've fought you for so long, and today I have finally given up._ **

_ Good start _ , Connor thought. 

**_I'm sick of the all the insults and the teasing in the hallways._ **

_ When Connor had come out and started transitioning into looking more like a guy, everyone at school started to call him things like "Faggot" and "Tranny" when they passed him in the hallways. One time he even found the word "Thing" spray painted onto his locker with two other gay slurs written under it in black marker.  _

**_Everyone ignores me._ **

_ In science when the teacher told the class to pair up with someone for a project, everyone immediately got up and rushed to pick their best friends. There were girls jumping and hugging and guys doing handshakes or giving each other "bro hugs". Connor looked around for someone who wasn't already in a group. As he looked around the room, wherever his eyes landed people always shifted their gaze and tilted their heads away to avoid his stare. _

_ After scanning the room, he found one girl without a partner standing in the corner. Connor slightly smiled and started to head over to her, but before he made it there she ran up to the teacher and asked if she could make a group of three with her two friends who were already paired up. He nodded, not realizing Connor was still standing there, alone.  _

_ He worked on that project by himself. _

**_Everything is always stolen from me._ **

_ Connor did have a friend once in that time. Some guy named Jeremy. He was a year under Connor and was the biggest dork you'd ever meet. They did everything together. They'd sit next to each other at lunch, go to the movies, do homework. You name it. When Connor was with Jeremy all of his cares melted away, but then Jeremy started to get more distant. He sat with Connor less frequently, he declined Connor's invitations to go out together, and he started hanging out with the "popular" kids at school. _

_ Connor tried confronting Jeremy. One day at lunch when Jeremy was laughing with all his new friends, Connor came up on the side opposite from where Jeremy was sitting and slammed his hands down on the table. Everybody's heads jerked up to look at him. Jeremy had a blank expression on his face. Connor stared at Jeremy dead in the eyes and said, "Where the hell have you been? You've been ignoring me for the past few weeks!" _

_ Jeremy, with the same blank expression, replied, "D̸̬̗͒̑̑̒́͜ọ̴̯͉̕ ̷̛̰́̃̏̆Ĩ̵̝̘̰̟ ̷̫̑̈́k̸̢̮̮̼̠̓̔͆n̴͚̥̭͐̀͗o̴̡͙͒̊̎͊w̶̨̰͔̽͐͐͜ ̶̭̎͌͒y̷̧̠͈̩̓͗̏̚̕o̴̘̗̣̩͑̐̿̚͜u̴̦͍̪͑͌?" _

_ Connor looked at him with a mixed expression of confusion, shock, and betrayal. He backed up a little and stared down at his hands, which were clenched into fists. Another kid, Rich, who was sitting at the same table as Jeremy, looked back and forth between the two, trying to make sense of the situation. Eventually Rich gave up and turned back to his lunch, muttering something that Connor barely heard, but was still able to make it out. _

_ "̷͙͇̻͛͆͝G̷͍̠̱̓̅̔e̷̡͐͛̚t̸̮͈̼̐̾̓ ̵̮̀͠õ̴͖̍u̴͖̦͆͂t̶̠̻̃̄ ̷͇̋̓͂ó̸̠̤̰f̷̥͍̊̄ ̵͓̩̘͗͠ẖ̸͎̙̕e̴̬̐r̷̩͍̐ͅē̶̡̳̆͑͜ ̷͍̙̻͆ṯ̷̓͗͝ͅr̷͚͐͂̔ͅa̵̡̛̝̣̋̉ň̸͇̖n̷͇͋͘y̶̢͓̓"̶̞͎̰́ _

_ Connor, in a burst of rage, flipped off the group and turned quick on his heel. He stormed back to where he was sitting before at the end of a mostly empty table in the corner. He held in all his tears until he was able to rush up to his family's currently empty apartment at the end of the day and throw himself into his room, locking the door and sliding down the back of it. He curled up and buried his head in his knees until everything felt numb. He tried going to sleep after that, but his head was pounding so much that he couldn't even think straight. The next day he used an immense amount of makeup before going to school, trying to cover up his swelling eyes with bags under them. Every time Connor passed by Jeremy from that day forward he had to restrain himself from punching him in the head. _

_ A few months later Jeremy came up to Connor trying to apologize, saying that a super computer called a "Squip" was to blame. Connor sat and listened to Jeremy's whole pointless rant, but rolled his eyes and shoved him out of the way at the end of it, not buying his "excuse".  _

_ Who would believe some bullshit about a super computer in your brain? Ridiculous.  _

**_I don't belong anywhere in this fucked up social system. So you keep your friends and your cliques and your stereotypes. I'm done with all that shit. Too complicated._ **

It really was overcomplicated. All the gossip about who likes who and who's talking behind that person's back. Connor thought it was stupid and draining when you tried to stay on top of it all. 

**_Let's be honest, you'll probably feel bad for a day or two then forget about me completely,_ **

Connor chuckled and rolled his eyes at that.

**_So don't waste your time remembering me. Forget me like you've been wanting to do for years. That's why I've been suffering, haven't I? You've just been waiting for me to off myself. Well congratulations world. I've won some battles, but you've won the war. I hope you're happy._ **

A single tear rolled down Connor's face and fell onto the paper, leaving a little wet mark where it landed. Connor couldn't think of anything else he wanted to say, so he figured he'd end it there.

**That's all there is to say. Goodbye forever.**

**Sincerely,**

**Connor Murphy**

More tears had formed by the time he ended the note. He wiped them away and then stood up, grabbing the railing again as to not fall by accident. He kept the note clutched in his hand. Connor read and reread the note again and again, each time making him gradually angrier. He remembered all the shit he had to go through the past few years of his life. He's been through hell and back because of those kids. He'll be so glad to be rid of them once he's gone. Connor shoved the note into his back pocket, tucking it in as to make sure it won't fall out on the way down. He took a few deep breaths and then started to lift his foot off the platform.

_ Seriously? You're trying to do this  _ again _? For such a dumb reason too.  _

Connor still held onto the bar while he levitated his foot. He wanted to do this. He wanted to be free of all the people who've wronged him in the past. He'll be so much happier once he does. No one could ever bother him again. 

_ What about your family? What about Mom and Dad and Zoe? Are you forgetting about them now too?  _

His family's faces popped into his mind. Cynthia smiling back at him as she cooks the family's dinner while following a recipe from one of her weird cookbooks. Zoe coming home from school jumping up and down from excitement after getting one hundred's on her tests. Even his dad Larry, who despite being busy with work and such, still made just enough time for his kids. 

Despite all that had been happening at school, Connor was still loved at home. No matter how bad it got, he could come home to a loving family and dinner on the table every night. Connor realized he took that for granted. How could he betray his family like this after all they've done is give him love and support.

Connor reached into his back pocket again and took out the suicide note. He opened it up again and ripped the letter to shreds, up to the point where it was I indiscernible. He threw all of the pieces over the side of the building and watched them flutter down onto the street below. He was sure no one would ever be able to find all of them scattered around like that. 

Climbing back over the railing, he went inside the apartment building and walked back to his apartment. He immediately crashed onto his bed. In the morning when he woke up, his whole family received unsuspected hugs from Connor, who was just thankful he had a family to turn to in times of need. 

_______________________

Connor and Zoe walked side by side as they entered through the main entrance to their new school. They had moved out of the apartment they were renting and moved into a house they just bought in the suburbs of Rochester, New York. Zoe was upset about the move, since she had to leave all her friends in Ohio, but Connor was secretly ecstatic. He wouldn't have to deal with the bullying from his peers anymore, and maybe he could actually make some friends this year!

The two siblings went to the main office to get their schedules. After receiving them from an old lady behind the desk, they compared them to see if they were in any classes together. Even though Zoe was a year younger than Connor, she had skipped a grade in elementary school, so she was in junior year with him. Looking over their schedules, they saw they had geography and math together. Connor, who was secretly good at science, was put into the senior level class based on his grades from his old school. 

The two of them both had math together on the other side of the building. They looked at the clock, which said that first period started in two minutes. They both looked at each other, their faces silently screaming,  _ Oh fuck, were screwed _ . They ran out of the office and tried to maneuver their way through the bustling hallways. It would be so embarrassing to be late on the first day. 

They turned into the hallway the math classroom was in. They saw the room at the end of the hall start to close its door. It was their classroom. They full out sprinted until they reached their class, Connor sliding in just as the door was about to close fully. The teacher jumped back slightly, and Connor opened the door a little more for his sister to walk through. The bell rang and they both saw the teacher giving them looks of disapproval as they walked to the back of the room and sat down in two empty seats, which were conveniently next to each other. 

"Care to explain to the class why you're late, Mr..." The teacher—who's name Connor read on the board to be Ms.Larkin—said. 

"Connor Murphy, and technically we're not late. We got here just on time," he said with a smirk. 

Ms.Larkin rolled her eyes. "And who are you?" She directed the question towards Zoe.

"I'm Zoe Murphy," she said, a little more polite than Connor had been. Ms.Larkin sighed.

"At least sarcasm doesn't seem to run in the family," she muttered, then turned towards the board to start her lecture. The two siblings looked at each other and bursted into a fit of silent giggles.

After first period was over the two broke apart so Connor could go to science and Zoe could get to her English class. They walked to the end of the hallway and waved goodbye, each heading in separate directions to get to their respective classrooms. 

Connor looked over his schedule again and saw that he wouldn't have another period with his sister until after lunch. Connor was kind of disappointed, but hey, what could you do? He sat through the rest of his classes with a look of boredom plastered on his face, sneaking glances at the clock every couple of minutes, wishing time would go faster. Eventually the bell rang at the end of fifth period and he half ran out the door to get to the lunchroom. Partially because he wanted to see Zoe, and partially because he was just glad he didn't need to sit through another teacher's speech about classroom rules. 

It took Connor a few minutes to find the lunchroom because he still had to learn his way around, but once he got there he pushed open the doors to find a bunch of juniors and seniors yelling and running at full speed. Connor just rolled his eyes and blamed it on the excitement for the new year. He scanned the lunchroom for Zoe's familiar indigo hair streaks, and ended up finding her a couple of tables away talking to three girls he didn't recognize. Connor smiled. He was glad Zoe was making new friends. He went to go sit down next to them.

"Hey Zoe," he said as he started to take the empty seat next to her. He was almost completely sitting down when the girl across from Connor shot her hand across the table and put it down in front of where Connor was going to be sitting. 

"Um, sorry, but this spot is taken," the girl said, not having a single hint of sorrow in her voice; if anything, she sounded kind of snippy. 

"By who," Connor asked, "I don't see anyones bag here."

"She's gonna be here in a second," the girl looked up in the direction of the cafeteria doors. "Speaking of which..."

Another girl who looked like she could be a model with her dazzling platinum blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes came strolling up to where Connor was half sitting/half standing. She looked up and down Connor, as if she were sizing him up. After a moment of silence she said, "Why are you in my seat?"

Connor narrowed his eyes at her, "Oh, I'm sorry, is this your seat? I didn't see any name tag on it." Connor sat down fully in the seat, as if to make a point. He folded his arms and glared up at her.

"Don't talk to me like that," she snapped.

Connor smirked, "I just did."

The girl's face started going red in frustration. Her eyes flicked over to Zoe, who kept looking between the two, worried that they were gonna start a screaming match in the middle of the lunchroom. 

"Do you know this kid," she asked Zoe. Zoe's shoulder's tensed up. She didn't like being dragged into the middle of awkward conversations, and Connor knew that.

"Leave her out of this," Connor growled.

The girl looked at Connor for a moment before turning back to Zoe, "So you  _ do  _ know this guy?"

Zoe's face looked panicked, like she didn't know what to do. She kept looking between Connor and the girl standing over her. In a panic, she said, "I only know him from math class. I don't know him well."

Connor stared at his sister in disbelief. Before he even had time to process exactly what Zoe just said, the girl folded her arms and gave Connor a death glare. "She said she doesn't know you. You have no reason to be sitting here right now. So once again, get out of my seat."

Connor glared at her and forcefully got up from the table. He stormed away and went to the other side of the cafeteria. There were no free seats, so he just sat on the floor somewhere along the side of the room. He had just now fully realized what Zoe had said. She doesn't want anything to do with him now either. Tears stung at his eyes, but he wouldn't allow himself to cry, at least not now. That whole situation made him loose his appetite and he didn't eat for the rest of the period. 

The bell rang and Connor groaned at the thought of his next class. Geography, the class he shared with Zoe, and after that little stunt she pulled, he wasn't really in the mood to see her. Connor contemplated skipping, but even he knew that skipping class on the first day isn't really the best thing to do, especially if you're new to the school. He sighed and pushed himself from off the cafeteria floor, heading towards the exit and to his geography class. 

When he found his classroom, he saw Zoe in a deep conversation with the blonde girl from before. Great, just what he needed. He sat down two rows in back of them, staring at them until the bell rang and pulled him out of his trance. Mr.Burr, the geography teacher, started giving his "welcome to geography" speech, which he probably repeated about five times already throughout the day already. 

Connor couldn't focus on the teacher, though. His eyes were still on his sister and her new friend, who were passing notes and giggling every time they received one. Connor let out a sigh, but it probably came out louder than he thought it had because both girls looked back at him. Blondie looked at him with a pissed off expression while Zoe had an unreadable one. Connor made sure the teacher wasn't looking before flipping her off. She scoffed and turned away, making Connor smile slightly at her frustration. 

The blonde pulled out her phone and started typing something. Seconds later he heard buzzing noises coming from in back of him. He heard the ripping and crumpling of paper. Connor shrugged it off until he felt something hit the back of his head. 

He felt the back of his head and then looked at the floor. There were two crumpled paper balls at his feet. He looked in back of him, but was only met with a paper ball to the face. Two guys in back of him started chuckling.

This continued for the whole period, the teacher too indulged in his lesson to notice. A couple of times they'd flick some paper clips at him or once even a pencil. Connor only got more angry with each thing that was thrown at him. At one point he rose is voice a little and very irritably said "fuck you" at the boys. Zoe started to turn to look at where the sound came from, but blondie distracted her before she could turn her head all the way back. 

At the sound of the bell he rushed out of the room and speed walked to his next class. He breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't have to deal with any more shit today, but almost the second he sat down he was pelted with a round of paper balls. This time one boy from geography and three other guys were laughing when Connor turned around to look at them. He flipped them off and stared back at the board at the front of the room. He showed no reaction to the guys in back of him, hoping that if they thought he didn't care, they'd back off. Unfortunately, that was not the case and for another whole period he got things thrown at the back of his head. 

_ First day and you already fucked it all up _ , Connor thought as he walked out of the school and to the bus stop where he was supposed to meet Zoe, _ Good for you _ . 

He found that Zoe was already waiting for him at the bus stop. She waved and smiled, but Connor just ducked his head and avoided her gaze. A frown formed on Zoe's face.

"What's wrong," she asked, a hint of worry in her voice. Connor glared at her.

"You're asking  _ me _ ?" Zoe flinched at his bitter tone. He didn't mean to snap, but he had so much pent up anger and stress from that afternoon that he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Wha-" He saw Zoe's wheels turning, and after a while her eyes widened slightly with realization, " _ That?  _ Oh my god Connor, I'm sorry, she was intimidating and I panicked and-"

"And that made you admit that you want nothing to do with me anymore now that we're at a new school. It's fine, I get it." Connor said that with so much agitation and sarcasm that he clearly did not "get it". 

"No! That's not what I meant-"

"Save it," Connor growled. Tears glistened in Zoe's eyes, but Connor didn't look back at her. He was too pissed off to care. 

The bus came and instead of sitting next to each other like Zoe thought they would, Connor immediately marched to the back of the bus and took a seat in the corner, staring out the window. She blinked away tears and sat at one of the loner seats on the left side near the window. She also zoned out, staring into space, until later when she realized they were one stop away from their stop. She pulled the yellow cable over her head in order to tell the bus driver that people were getting out at the next stop, and she motioned for Connor to follow her as she got out of her seat and walked towards the rear exit of the bus. Connor stood up and went to stand behind her. When the bus let out, Connor pushed his way past his sister ands power walked home, trying to get there first so he could immediately lock himself in his room. 

Connor did indeed end up getting home first. He unlocked the door and threw his bag down on the ground as he entered the house. His father, Larry, heard the door open from where he was sitting at the dining room table and his head perked up from his newspaper. He smiled as he saw Connor.

"Con! How was school?"

Cynthia popped her head into the dining room at the mention of Connor and smiled too when she saw him in the doorway. Connor rolled his eyes and said, "It was great," before heading straight to the stairs to get to his room on the second floor. Before he could climb all the way up, though, his parents stopped him and Larry asked, "Where's Zoe?"

"I'm right here," A feminine voice called from the direction of the front door. Connor heard the sounds of someone sliding off their shoes and the thud of a book bag hitting the floor. Zoe walked into the dining room and gave both her parents a hug and kiss on the cheek. 

"How was your day, Zoe," Cynthia asked. She had come to join Larry at the table and was now sitting across from him. 

Zoe's face lights up, "Oh, it was great! I made a bunch of new friends."

"That's wonderful dear!" Cynthia smiled at Zoe. 

Connor tried his best to sneak up the stairs to his room, but his father spotted him. "Now wait a minute Connor!" Connor had to hold in a sigh. 

Connor stomped back down to the bottom the stairs, standing on the last step. "Yeah, dad?" Connor really just wanted to go upstairs and try to forget the day's events. 

"What happened during your first day?"

"Nothing really! Went to classes, did schoolwork and shit. What more do you want from me," Conner snapped.

"Don't use that language young man," Larry scolded. Connor rolled his eyes.

"I'm not a little kid anymore dad! Just leave me alone." He went to go back up the stairs, but Cynthia called up to him.

"Honey-"

"Just leave me alone!" Connor yelled. Connor didn't have time to feel bad before he went upstairs to his room, locked the door, and slid down the back of it. He hit the floor with a small thud and he curled his legs up, burying his head in his knees. He let out a few tears, but mostly he just sat there, his mind blank. He heard light footsteps coming up the stairs. A few moments later there was a knock on his door. He heard Zoe's voice, muffled thanks to the barrier between them.

"Connor? Connor, let me in."

"No," he mumbled.

"Connor let me-"

"I said no! Leave me alone! That's what you wanted to do anyway earlier today."

"You know what?" Connor could hear the anger in her voice. He heard her stomping away as she said, "Maybe I do. Enjoy high school, dickhead!"

Connor bursted into tears at that point.

As the days passed by, the bullying got worse and so did Connor's attitude towards his family. By now what felt like almost the whole school had joined in on torturing Connor. Everyday in class things would be thrown at his head. Sometimes paper balls with hurtful words written upon them. People would push and trip Connor in the hallways, and just make him feel like complete shit in general. 

Home was no better. Ever since the bullying had begin, he would always come home in a bad mood and try to shut everyone out. His parents trying to get involved and asking what's wrong didn't help in any way. If anything, it only made Connor angrier. His parents got into more fights because of their son's rapid change in behavior, and after a couple of months they started to ignore each other completely. One could argue Zoe had it the worst. All she could do was watch her family slowly break apart. She blamed Connor for all of it. If he hadn't been acting like such a dick, if he had just kept his emotions under control, if he wasn't such a  _ problem _ child, then everything would have still been all right. Her family would still love each other. They would be happy.

This led to more fights between Connor and Zoe. Every time Connor would come home and act like shit, Zoe would yell at him to stop. She would tell him what he's doing to this family, and what he caused. These screaming matches would go on from just a few minutes to hours at a time, and they would usually end with someone bursting into tears and retreating to their room for the rest of the night. 

With all the stress being pilled up on his shoulders, Connor turned to drugs for relief when he was at home. Whenever he was feeling stressed or he had another fight with his family, he'd go up to his room, light a blunt, and wait for the effects to kick in. It seemed as if all his cares melted away when he was high, and Connor was grateful for any sort of escape he could get.

There was only one place where Connor felt completely safe, the roof of the school. Every lunch or free period he would make sure no one was following him, and then he'd use his excellent lock picking skills to unlock the door blocking the stairway to the roof. It was the only place he felt truly free, away from the bullying and the fighting and his family. He would sit against the concrete on the edge of the roof and look up at the sky, taking in the view. 

As much as Connor doesn't want to admit it, that's not the only reason he came up to the roof everyday. He doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that everyday he looks over the side, asking himself if a fall from that height would be enough to kill him. He doesn't want to think of the all the times he stood on the edge of the building, talking himself out of jumping. He doesn't want to remember all the moments where he just wanted to end it all. He'd rather just keep the space as what he intended for it when he originally found it, a secluded place Connor could escape to. 

Time went on and eventually the family got accustomed to the way things are now. There was no expression of surprise from his family when Connor would come home with red eyes and go straight upstairs to his room to pass out. They all got used to having a silent supper together, occasionally accompanied by Connor and Zoe's screams when they decide to fight in the middle of dinner. None of them cared anymore. All their family ties had been broken. 

At least, that's what Connor thought. 

Eventually junior year was officially over for Connor and Zoe. The end of the school year seemed bittersweet for Connor. On one hand, he'd have to put up with being alone with his family for an entire summer. On the other, he had a two and a half months escape from the people at school! Connor was beyond ecstatic, even if that meant having to tolerate his family for a summer. 

One week into summer and Connor had already internally lost it. He was so  _ bored _ . All he ever did was sit in his room on his phone all day or occasionally go out for a smoke when he felt like taking a walk. Sure, he did the same thing during the school year, but at least he left the house for a little while, even if it was to go to the hell called school. 

Today Connor sat in his room scrolling through Pinterest looking at random memes. After a while he got thirsty and decided to get a drink from downstairs. He went down to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, drinking its entire contents in one gulp. Connor turned back to go upstairs and got all the way to the front door of his room before he heard a guitar start to play. His hand was hovering over the doorknob and he debated whether he should go in or follow the music. Curiosity got the best of him and he went to investigate the origin of the sound.

The strumming of the guitar led Connor to Zoe's bedroom door. To be honest, he didn't even know Zoe played the guitar. That gave Connor a little pang to the heart. It only showed how out of touch Connor was with his family. He shook off the feeling and moved a little closer to the crack in the door, trying to hear it clearly. Connor realized that he recognized the song. He shuffled closer to the door to the point where he was practically leaning on it. 

_ "I never knew that you'd be so different, from the girl I imagined in my head." _

Connor slightly smiled. He never realized Zoe was such a good singer.

_ "I thought I'd stare forever at your poster. But the real you is standing here instead. How do I act? I'm so unsure of what to do. I should pretend I don't know every single fact about you." _

Connor sat down on the hardwood floor, leaning his head up against the door. He tapped his foot to the beat of the music and closed his eyes. 

_ "This little white lie. It's why you're standing here. It's why you entertain this engineer. But you would take off. If you only knew how many leagues you are above me. So I won't tell you. Now please forgive my little white lie." _

The guitar kept strumming through the parts where Connor knew there was supposed to be dialogue. In that small amount of time he debated with himself over what he should do. In the end, he took a deep breath and the words came pouring out of his mouth.

_ "Look at that blank expression that he's wearing. He is so not aware that I am me." _

The next few notes on the guitar were obscured. Connor dryly chuckled. He could just imagine Zoe's look of surprise when she heard his voice. But the guitar went back to playing the correct notes and he figured Zoe was just going with it. 

"I did feel bad turning down that job at NASA," Zoe said, cuing Connor's next lyric.

_ "I know I should be honest, but since I'm being honest, there are some things I don't want you to see." _

"But I was just a freshman at MIT," Zoe responded.

_ "How do I act? I'm so unsure of what to say. If I pretend it's just so I don't scare you away. This little white lie. So nice he doesn't know. He'll step into my boots and then I'll go." _

Connor choked up a little bit. This song always hit him hard. It's like he could relate to it in ways that he himself didn't even understand. He quickly recomposed himself and sang the next few lines. 

_ "This feeling's so right. Identity gone. It hurts no one so I will not let on. Now please forgive my little white lie." _

Connor and Zoe's voices joined together for the harmonies,  _ "Do not mess this up now. There's truth in how you feel deep inside." _

"You're so normal," Zoe said.

"You're so interesting!"

_ "Do not let your guard down. Just act like you have not a thing to hide. This little white lie feels so right to me. I didn't think-" _

_ "This would go so well,"  _ Zoe sang.

_ "I didn't think-" _

Connor responded, _ "This would be the guy." _

Their voices mixed again,  _ "I think you're great if you can't tell. So please forgive my little white-" _

Connor sadly smiled to himself. He didn't want the moment with Zoe to end, nevertheless he took a breath and sang the final note with her.

_ "Lie." _

Connor sighed and looked down at his hands when the song ended. He figured that was it, his moment with Zoe was over. She'll just go back to hating him tomorrow. He kept thinking more thoughts like this, but he was interrupted by the door behind him opening, making him fall backwards onto his back. He looked up and saw Zoe standing over him, guitar in hand. She was looking back at Connor with an unreadable expression. 

Connor shot up from the floor. He almost tripped on his feat, but when he did manage to stand up straight he gave Zoe an awkward smile and pointed in the direction of his room, stuttering out, "Uh I-I should go..." He started to walk away.

"Wait!" Connor stopped in shock and turned around to face Zoe, who looks surprised she even said that herself. Zoe inhaled deeply and sighed, "Um," she lowered her gaze to look at her feet, "You're a good singer, I guess," Zoe chuckled a little under her breath.

Connor lowered his eyebrows and gave his sister a look of disbelief, "What do you mean? You're not mad at me or something? You should hate me right now!" A sudden burst of rage overcame Connor, "I mean, look at what I did to you! To this whole family! And you're acting like it never happened? I can't believe-"

"Stop!" Zoe screamed. Connor immediately shut up. He mentally punched himself in the gut.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid!  _ He screwed everything up again and now everything will go to shit and-

"Wanna... come in my room... for a few?" Connor was shocked at Zoe's response. He was expecting her to scream and shout at him, not invite him to hang out.

"Why? Aren't you still pissed at me?" Connor said with a little anger dripping into his words. Zoe flinched a little at his tone. Of course she was still angry. She probably always will be, but...she just wanted her brother back.

Zoe shrugged and said, "Yeah, but I thought we could do some more songs together? Just like old times." 

Connor felt little tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He blinked them back quickly and responded, "Ok, um... sure. Sure," he nodded his head slowly, trying to comprehend the fact that his sister is attempting to fix their relationship. He felt a smile creep along his face. "Lead the way, m'lady," he said, using an old inside joke between them. Zoe laughed a little then went into her room, motioning for Connor to follow. 

After two hours of singing duets and recounting old jokes, Connor and Zoe saw that it was already 9:00 p.m. They finally realized how hoarse their voices had become. In unison they got up from where they were sitting on opposite sides of Zoe's bed. Connor walked out of the room and leaned on Zoe's doorframe, facing her. 

"That was... fun," Connor admitted. He would never say it out loud, but singing with Zoe had honestly been one of the best experiences of Connor's life. He rubbed the back if his neck, a nervous habit of his, "Maybe... if you wanna do this again tomorrow-"

"I'd love to," Zoe said cutting him off. She gave him a small smile but he could see tears glistening in her eyes. Connor felt like he would cry from happiness too.

Connor cleared his throat, "Great! Um... see you tomorrow...?" He trailed off.

"See you tomorrow," Zoe said. Connor gave a small sigh and smiled back at her. He then softly closed her door and walked back to his room, collapsing on the bed. As early as it was for him, he feel asleep right away, wishing tomorrow would come quicker. 

_______________________

Connor knocked on Zoe's door at noon and she let him in without a word. This became routine for them. At first they wouldn't really talk at all. They both weren't ready for that, and they knew it, so Connor was surprised when Zoe stopped playing her guitar after singing  _ Guys and Dolls  _ and turned to Connor with an uncertain expression on her face, as if she was having an internal argument with herself. She lowered her gaze a little.

"So," she finally said, "There's this guy..." She trailed off, glancing back up at Connor, who's expression was between shock and curiosity. 

"Tell me everything," Connor said with the spirit of a tea deprived middle school girl. Zoe's face brightened. 

"Well... he's really sweet and nice and just...  _ perfect _ ," Zoe's expression softened as she talked about the boy. She looked down at her hands, "I never thought I'd be able to like him at first. He just seemed like that really weird socially awkward kid but now that I got to know him better, he's just so adorable!" Zoe laughed a little, "I really wanna ask him out, but I just don't know how..." she trailed off before looking back up at Connor, "You're a guy, Con. Tell me what to do!" 

Relationship advice? She came to him for  _ relationship advice _ ? Connor wanted to burst out in laughter at that. Of all people, his sister asks her loner brother who's only boyfriend had been in eighth grade—which hardly counts anyway—for  _ relationship advice _ . Well, there was also  _ him _ but... Connor shook off the thought. He didn't want to think about that. Connor was tempted to say exactly that, that he didn't have anything to say, but he didn't, realizing something. This was the first major breakthrough he's had with his relationship with Zoe. She was coming to _ him _ for advice, and Connor wasn't going to let her down just now.

"First off," Connor started, "What does this guy like? What is he into?"

"He really likes nature?" Zoe said that as more of a question than a statement, "He got a job as an apprentice park ranger this summer and he talks a lot about trees." 

Connor thought for a moment, "Well... if I were him and a guy were to ask me out... I'd want to be somewhere I liked, you know?" Zoe nodded, listening intently. "You said he likes trees um... Hey, there's an orchid around here. You can always go there. There probably won't be a lot of people, so that's a plus," Connor added, "Or a minus depending on what type of person he is but you know..."

Zoe slowly nodded, "He does really like trees... and he's not really a people person so less people would..." Zoe trailed off and gave Connor a wide smile, "The orchids perfect! Thanks  _ so _ much!" Zoe gave Connor a quick hug before grabbing her guitar again. "What song do you wanna sing now? I was thinking  _ The Minstrel, The Jester, and I _ ."

Connor smiled. It wasn't one of his usual fake ones either; he was genuinely happy. Why? He wasn't exactly sure. Maybe he was glad his sister was opening up to him. Maybe he was just happy to help her with something, like a real older brother should do. Though, he knew he lost the right to be called her older brother a long time ago. 

"That sounds great," Connor said, "I take Minstrel?"

"Sure," Zoe said. She started to play the first few notes on her guitar.

_ "We have only two voices among us, and yet..." _

_______________________

The Murphy household was quiet. Connor was home alone, something that didn't usually happen often, since Cynthia doesn't work. Today though, his mother had a dentist appointment, Larry had work to get to, and Zoe went out to god knows where. Connor was a little upset that Zoe wasn't there to sing with him, but he wasn't going to let his limited time by himself go to waste.

Connor sprawled his whole body across the couch, with his head being supported by a throw pillow on the right side of the chair. He put the bag of potato chips he brought with him on his chest and turned the TV on to a  _ Drake and Josh _ rerun. Those old corny shows were a guilty pleasure of his. They were so stupid, yet so funny at the same time. 

He was in the middle of laughing at Crazy Steve chasing Josh around the movie theater when he heard the door burst open from the next room over. He jumped from his spot on the couch, the bag of chips falling to the floor, and raised both of his hands up in a self defensive stance, getting ready to fight an intruder. His eyes darted all around the room, trying to anticipate an attack, when suddenly Zoe rushed into the room with the biggest smile on her face. Before Connor could even process that it was Zoe coming in and not an escaped psycho killer with a chainsaw and a hook, she ran up and hugged him, putting her arms around his neck.

"He said yes! He said yes!" she chanted while jumping up and down while still holding Connor, "Oh my god he said yes!"

Connor stopped jumping and grabbed his sisters wrists, gently pulling them away from his neck. He brought them down, still keeping a grip on her. "He said yes!?" Connor asked excitedly.

"Have you not heard me? He said yes!" Zoe said with a giant smile. Connor looked her dead in the eye.

"Tell me  _ everything _ ."

Connor, while still holding her arms, guided her to the couch and sat her down. He grabbed the bag of chips from off the floor and sat down to the left of Zoe. Connor placed the bag of chips in his lap and looked at Zoe expectantly, taking a chip and chomping on it while waiting for her to start her story.

"So," she started, "I did just as you said. I took him to the orchid and we walked down one of the paths for a while, you know?" She shifted a little in her seat, not able to stay still for a long period of time, "And then we stopped in front of one of the really tall trees and he told me a fact about it. Oh!" She exclaimed, "Did you know that oak trees produce male and female flowers? Females are a lot smaller then males though."

Connor's head tilted with interest, "Never knew that. Huh."

"Yeah! Anyways, then we sat at a bench and kinda just watched the scenery. Everything was so nice, and I guess I just... had a burst of courage?" She shrugged, "So I turned to him and I was like, 'Hey, can I talk to you about something,' and he was like, 'Yeah,' and I forgot exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, 'I really like you.'" Zoe smiled even wider, "And then he said he liked me too!"

Connor playfully nudged Zoe's shoulder, "Look at you. My little sister, able to get a boyfriend before me," he laughed, "I'm jealous."

"Maybe if you actually talked to people you'd be able to get a boyfriend." Zoe laughed, but those words kind of stung Connor. Though, he shook it off and laughed along with her.

"Yeah, yeah," Connor rolled his eyes, "Back to your story," he said, changing the subject.

"Oh, right!" Zoe said, "Well after that we headed back and he asked if I wanted to go to that ice cream place around here. Á La Mode? So yeah, we went there." Zoe sighed. "Evan's so sweet, I just can't!"

"Well I'm glad you're—" he cut himself off. "Wait... wait, wait, wait," he slowly shook his head and let out a dry laugh, "You're not talking about... Evan  _ Hansen _ , are you?" He let out another laugh. 

Zoe narrowed her eyes. "Yeah... what's wrong with that?"

Connor laughed again until he realized Zoe was being completely serious. "Oh my god...  _ Evan Hansen _ ? He's best friends with Jared Kleinman. That asshole..." Connor shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He had a history with Jared, but he didn't exactly want to tell Zoe about  _ that _ yet. "I don't think Evan's exactly the best person ever..."

"...What the  _ hell _ , Connor?" Zoe raised her voice a little, "I finally get a boyfriend, a guy I've been crushing on for  _ a while _ , for your information, and you just go and shit on it?"

"No! That's not what I meant!" Connor saw the angry look in Zoe's eyes, so he decided it might be best to drop the subject before they had another fight. He sighed, "I'm just saying... watch out for him, ok?"

The anger inside Zoe dulled a little. "Fine," she said, "But you're gonna find there's no reason to."

Connor rolled his eyes, "Whatever." He lowered his eyes for a moment, then looked back up at Zoe, giving her a small smile, "Congrats on getting a boyfriend," he said to her. Even though he's not very happy with her dating Evan, he'll put up with it if it makes her happy.

She smiled, "Thanks." She looked down and fiddled with her hands for a moment, before suddenly stealing the TV remote and hitting play again. She laughed, "Oh my god, I almost forgot about this show." Connor laughed as well and sat back against the couch, putting the chips between him and Zoe to share. For the rest of the day until their parents came home later that night, they sat and watched Drake and Josh reruns together. 

When Cynthia came home from her friend's house, seeing her kids watching TV together was quite a shock. In the past year, all she's seen the siblings do together was scream and yell. She smiled. They were finally getting along again. She knew the situation would resolve itself if she just left it alone. She sneaked past them and went upstairs to her room.

Her family was coming back together.

_______________________

A month had passed by since Evan and Zoe had started dating. Zoe has been going out a lot more often to see him, so she and Connor haven't had much time to spend together. Connor was upset that he wasn't able to see Zoe as often, but at least they were able to keep their relationship in the green. Connor was thankful enough for that.

Still... he didn't like the idea of Zoe dating Evan. He seemed really sketchy to Connor. So someone could imagine what Connor's reaction was when Zoe told him Evan was coming over for dinner that night. 

"What the hell?"

"Is that a problem," Zoe said, crossing her arms.

Connor sighed, "You know I don't like him that much."

His sister scoffed, "And this isn't about you. It's about me and my  _ boyfriend _ ."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Don't expect me to be downstairs anytime tonight."

Zoe shook her head, "Mom wants everyone downstairs. To make ourselves 'presentable' to him." She sighed, "Trust me, I'd let you stay upstairs if I could."

Connor wasn't sure to take that as an insult or Zoe trying to lighten the situation, so he just went with the later for the sake of not flipping out on her. "Thanks... I guess."

Zoe gave him a smile smile before walking away. Connor turned to go towards his room but was stopped by her calling for him again. 

"Connor!" He turned around to face Zoe, "Please, at least try to look decent for tonight. I  _ do _ wanna impress him."

Connor sighed. "Fine, but you owe me one," he said.

"I don't owe you anything. You're already severely in debt."

That took a jab to Connor's heart. He knew she was referring to those months where Connor literally treated his family like walking pieces of trash. Not really some of his proudest moments. 

"Whatever," Connor said before turning around again and heading to his room.

When he got to his bedroom he closed the door and went to his closet. Connor opened it and tried to look for something to wear. He was tempted to pick out a red plaid pajama shirt and short-shorts just to be spiteful, but he decided against it, knowing Zoe would just be pissed. Instead he put on a white collared shirt that he found under the mountain of hoodies he owned and black Jeans. He looked like he was going to take a seventh grade school photo. It was whatever though. He'd rather dress like this then put up with Zoe's whining all day. 

He stayed in his room for a couple of hours, scrolling through his phone until he heard the doorbell ring faintly and Zoe yelling from downstairs, "He's here get the  _ fuck _ down here!" Connor figured the yelling was aimed towards him and sighed. He reluctantly got up off of his bed and slowly made his way downstairs. 

By the time he finally shuffled down the staircase, he found his whole family sitting on the couch, surrounding a boy who was dressed in a light blue polo shirt. His hair was a dirty blonde color and from what Connor could see from the edge of the stairs, he kept fidgeting with his hands. Connor recognized him immediately from seeing him standing next to Jared Kleinman all the time.  _ Evan _ . 

"Connor! I'm glad you came down!" His mother smiled at him from the couch. Evan looked in Connor's direction, finally noticing he was there. 

"O-Oh um.... Hi, Connor, um..." He scratched the back of his neck, "Y-You live here?"

Connor crossed his arms. "Well obviously. I just came from upstairs. Unless I transported halfway around the world into this living room from Tanzania." He said that in a little more bitter tone than he had to. Zoe gave him an annoyed look.

"Y-Yeah, obviously. Um, sorry, th-that was a stupid question..." Evan looked down at his hands, which were lacing his fingers together then breaking apart over and over again. 

Zoe talked to her boyfriend, "It's fine, Evan.  _ Someone _ ," Zoe shot her head up to look in Connor's direction, "just doesn't know how to take a joke." Connor rolled his eyes.

"Sorry..." Evan said.

"You say sorry a lot," Connor told Evan.

"Sorry."

Zoe chuckled a bit while Connor rolled his eyes again. Connor didn't move from his spot near the stairs. Cynthia noticed he wasn't coming over. "Connor, why don't you come over here?" She patted the empty spot on the couch next to her.

"What if I don't want to," Connor responded. His father gave him a glare. Connor raised his hands up in surrender, "Fine, fine." Connor walked to the couch but instead of sitting, he stood behind the couch, his eyebrows knitting in annoyance. 

His father sighed and turned to Evan. "I don't think I properly introduced myself. I'm Larry, Zoe's father. And this is my wife Cynthia," He motioned to Cynthia, who was sitting on his right, "It's nice to finally meet you." Larry stuck out his hand for Evan to shake. Evan looked at it for a second before he quickly wiped his own hand on his pants and shook Larry's. 

"N-Nice to meet you too." Evan said. The shake was short lasted though, because Evan broke away after a second or two and scratched the back of his neck.

Cynthia smiled at Evan. "You seem like a very nice young man. Oh, and I've been curious," You could almost see Cynthia's eyes sparkle, "How did you two meet?"

"O-Oh, well um..."

"We met at school," Zoe butted in, "We never really talked much then, but I went to Ellison State Park one day—the one near the bridge—and he was working there as a..." She turned to Evan, "What was it called again?" 

"An apprentice park ranger," Evan said, completing Zoe's thought, "She came up to me and... and we just started talking, I guess." Evan chuckled a little at the memory.

"Yeah," Zoe said, smiling up at him. 

Connor, who was still standing, crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. They've been together for only a month and they're already getting googly-eyed around each other. Larry let out an agitated sigh under his breath, and Connor could tell he was thinking the same thing. Cynthia though was eating all of this up. 

"Ah, young love. Remember how we met, Larry?" Cynthia nudged Larry with her elbow, "At that bar near Clover Street?" 

Larry laughed a little and smiled, "How could I forget?" 

Cynthia smiled back at him then turned to Evan, "I'm sure your parents are happy for you, no?"

"Huh?" He said, taking his eyes off Zoe, "O-Oh yeah um, my mom's really happy. 'Finally had the guts to get a girlfriend,' she said." Evan chuckled. 

"What about your father?" Larry asked .

"Oh um... he uh... left. When I was five," He scratched the back of his neck, "B-But it's fine though! Haven't seen him since then..." Evan awkwardly laughed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Cynthia said. Larry nodded, signifying he agreed. Connor didn't say anything.

"It's fine..." An awkward silence filled the room.

Cynthia cleared her throat. "So... what do you usually like to do?" She said, trying to break the silence.

Evan's eyes lit up. "Well... whenever I'm not working I'm mostly looking up facts about trees and stuff." Evan scratched his arm, "I know it sounds kinda stupid, but they're really interesting! Like, did you know that the first known tree was a leafless, fern like plant from New York?"

Zoe looked up at Evan with a fascinated expression, "I didn't know that. That's cool!" Evan nodded in agreement.

"Don't you also hang out with that Jared guy?" Connor asked, distain coming out in his voice. Zoe took her eyes off Evan and shot Connor a glare.

"O-Oh um, him..." Evan trailed off.

"Yeah him," Connor said, pushing for an answer.

"W-Well, he's more of a... f-family friend?" Evan scratched the back of his neck, which only made Connor more suspicious, "Or at least that's what he calls it..."

"Then why doesn't he hang out with his real friends?" Connor asked. 

Evan frowned. "He says he needs to hang out with me or his mom won't pay for car insurance." Evan awkwardly laughed.

"Why does that matter? You can just drop him." 

"Uhm..."

"Just leave him alone Connor." Zoe narrowed her eyes at him. 

"Oh come on!" Connor exclaimed, "You can't tell me that doesn't sound suspicious!"

"Why are you so pissed about this anyway?" Zoe folded her arms.

"Because I am! Jared's an asshole!"

"Why does that matter? He never did anything to you!" Connor was overcome with sudden rage. He knew Zoe didn't know. He  _ knew _ . But that didn't change Connor's state of rage. 

"Doesn't change the fact he's an asshole!" He yelled, "And he probably is too if he wants to stay with  _ him _ !" Connor said jerking his head in Evan's direction. 

"Oh shut up!" Zoe said standing up and walking up next to Connor, "I'm finally happy and you have to just go and shit on it!" 

" _ I'm _ shitting on it? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been here!"

"If it wasn't for you? You just told me to go look at some trees!"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

"Connor!" Larry snapped, "Leave your sister alone."

Connor threw his hands in the air, "Oh, now it's only  _ my _ fault?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"It's exactly what you meant!"

"Stop yelling at dad, Connor! He did nothing!" Zoe yelled.

Connor scoffed, "Said the person who's yelling at her brother because he's looking out for you."

"How the hell is that looking out for me?"

"I'm telling you that they're assholes!"

"Evan is not an  _ asshole.  _ Just shut up already!"

"No!"

"Both of you, stop it!" Cynthia spoke up for the first time. 

" _Me_? He's the one who started this!" Zoe exclaimed.

"U-Um... g-guys?" All eyes snapped to look at Evan, who they forgot was even there. He sat awkwardly, fidgeting with his hands. "Can... Can you not right now-"

"You see Connor!" Zoe yelled, cutting Evan off, "You're making him uncomfortable!"

" _ Me _ ?"

"Yes, you! All I wanted was one normal night!"

"Well I'm sorry that I had to come along and ruin it! I'm sorry I'm even here to begin with!"

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that too!" Connor stopped. Zoe did too, realizing what she just said. But she wasn't taking it back. Connor clenched his fists as Zoe walked away to go sit back down next to Evan. "Sorry about him," she said out loud, despite the fact Connor was within earshot. He didn't look back at them before storming up the stairs and going into his room, slamming his door shut once he was inside. He leaned his back against the wall and slid down it, hugging his knees and putting his head between them when he was in a sitting position. He openly sobbed into his knees. 

This was all Evan's fault. He and Zoe were just starting to get better,  _ just _ starting to repair their relationship. Then Evan came into the picture. Connor let out another choked cry. He knew it. Zoe was ready to throw him to the side at any moment. She'd give up her brother to have a relationship with someone who was probably using her. At least... that's what Jared did to him... He gripped onto his knees tighter. 

He sat against the door for the rest of the night. The whole time, he was waiting for someone to knock on the door. Someone to apologize to him and tell him that he was right.  _ Anytime now _ , he thought for the hundredth time that night.

No one ever came. 

_______________________

Connor woke up the next morning on the floor with a stiff back and puffy eyes. He groaned and sat up. He twisted around to crack his back, then got up completely off the floor. Memories of the night before started pouring into Connor's head, and his eyes threatened to shed more tears. He shook off the feeling and checked the time. 12:34 p.m. Just around the time Zoe and Connor usually got together to sing. He figured that they could try to make it up when they had their little singing session. Hopefully Zoe let him in.... Connor took a quick look in the mirror, decided that he didn't look  _ too _ bad, and left his room. 

He cleared his throat as he walked down the hallway, hoping he didn't sound too hoarse, since he just got up. When he got to Zoe's door he heard Zoe talking to someone on the other side. Connor, curious as to who it was, knocked on the door. A second later he was met with a pissed looking Zoe. 

"What do you want?" she snapped. Connor flinched a little at her harsh tone, but cleared his throat again and spoke.

"Well... I just wanted to say sorry... for overreacting last night." That wasn't entirely true. He felt like his actions were justified, but he was still sorry for making Zoe feel upset. 

"...Whatever." Zoe turned back around to go into her room, but Connor stopped her. 

"Wait! I was hoping we could maybe, uh, sing something together?" Connor scratched the back of his neck. 

Zoe narrowed her eyes at him. "What, you expect everything to be resolved, just like that? Sorry means nothing if you don't change your actions."

"You haven't given me time to change my actions!" Connor exclaimed. 

"Oh, don't act like this is your first time doing this shit. Also, I'm on the phone with Evan right now and I don't want him to overhear another one of our  _ fights _ so can you just fuck off right now?" Connor got more frustrated at the mention of Evan's name. He didn't know why he got so upset, but before he knew it he had turned towards his room again and was stomping away. Zoe went back into her room and slammed the door. Connor did the same.

_______________________

Zoe had left the house early on the first day of school to pick up Evan in her car, so Connor had found himself walking to school that morning. Not that he ever got a ride from Zoe after they stopped talking, but he was hoping since they had grown closer... But that was gone too now. 

He arrived at the school grounds after walking for twenty minutes, but he still had to cross the school's front yard. With each tree he passed by, he was reminded of Evan and how he thought he was some kind of 'Tree Expert'. "Fuck trees," Connor muttered to himself.

Once inside the school building Connor immediately regretting even going to school. He should've just said he was high... Well actually, he  _ tried _ to, but Cynthia kept bitching about how she didn't want him to miss the first day of senior year. Really, what does she think he's missing? The first day was usually just a bunch of boring speeches welcoming the kids to the class. He was already planning on sleeping through those. Connor just tried walking through the halls and getting to homeroom without any conflict.

Of course, nothing went right for him ever. 

"Oh hey, Connor," An annoying and familiar voice called out to him once he turned into the hallway. Connor looked towards the origin of the voice and saw a smug looking Jared staring back a him. Evan was nervously standing behind him. "Loving the new hair length. Very... _ school shooter _ chic." 

Connor stopped in his tracks and gave Jared a menacing stare. He felt even worse with Evan just standing there, watching. Why is he here? Was he in on this too? He knew he couldn't be trusted if he was friends with Jared... Why is he saying nothing?  _ Just fucking say something already.  _ The fact that he wasn't speaking somehow just made Connor more frustrated. 

Despite his frustrations, Jared was the one to actually continue speaking. "I was just... _ kidding _ ." He said like Connor was supposed to be laughing.  _ Why would I be fucking laughing? _ "It was a joke." That was spoken in an obvious tone that just made Connor increasingly frustrated.

Connor gave Jared an unamused look. "Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing. Can't you tell?" He asked with a voice that matched his expression. And still Evan wasn't saying anything.  _ Come on.  _ He stepped forward, the unamused face morphing into a more angry one. "Am I not laughing  _ hard _ enough for you?"

Jared rolled his eyes and let out a dry chuckle. "You're such a freak." He walked away. Of course. Jared has always been such a coward, running away in the heat of the moment. It's what he's always done. 

Evan let out a breath as Jared walked away. Connor's gaze immediately fell on Evan. In his current frustrated mindset combined with his hatred and anger for Evan, Connor easily mistook that as a laugh. He glared at Evan. "What the fuck you laughing at?" 

Evan's head shot up in a panic when he heard Connor talking to him. "What-?" 

_ Is he trying to deny what he did? _ Connor thought angrily. "Stop  _ fucking _ laughing at me!"

"But I'm not-!"

"You think  _ I'm _ a freak?" Connor didn't see Zoe turn the corner. He started to approach Evan.

"No, I-I don't-" 

" _ I'm _ not the freak!"

"But I wasn't laughing-"

" _ You're _ the fucking freak!" Connor pushed Evan to the ground.

_ "Evan!"  _ A voice shouted. Connor looked up and saw Zoe rushing towards Evan, going to help him up.  _...I can't take this anymore.  _ He stormed away, leaving Zoe and Evan behind him.

He didn't look back at the scene he just made as he rushed to the nearest staircase that would bring someone to the roof of the school building. No other thoughts other than to just move were going though his head. Everything around him was a blur and the next thing Connor knew, he was on the school roof, gripping onto the bar that was supposed to keep people from plummeting to the ground below. He started to climb over it onto the small ledge on the other side. 

As Connor was doing this, the door that led to the roof opened again. Zoe stormed out, raving mad. "Connor, I can't fucking  _ believe _ you!" She immediately shouted, knowing Connor was out there. She followed behind him as he ran away to the roof. "Evan did absolutely  _ nothing _ and I-" Zoe finally caught a glimpse at Connor... and where he was now standing on the ledge. "Connor...?" She asked worriedly, lowering the tone of her voice. "What're you doing...?"

Connor turned his head to glare at her. "What does it _ look _ like?" She came up there to yell at him, right? He wasn't buying into her whole worried thing. She obviously didn't mean it. Zoe knew how awful of a person he was. 

"Connor... Please,  _ please _ don't do this!" Zoe exclaimed in a panic.

Connor just let out a dry laugh. "And why  _ not _ ?" He asked as if he's already ran out of reasons to live a long time ago. In his mind, he has. 

"Because-" 

"Z-Zoe! Are you ok?" A new voice called out from behind her. The roof door was open to reveal Evan, looking worried. It seems he followed too...

Connor looked at Zoe, then Evan.... then back at Zoe for one last moment. "...I'm sorry." He loosened his grip on the bar and let himself fall off of the ledge.

Time seemed to slow down in those moments of falling. Zoe's screams sounded underwater for Connor as the world around him seemed to blur. His life seemed to flash before his eyes.

He saw his old house in Ohio, and a happy family with two daughters standing outside of it. He remembered Miguel and how devastated he felt after they were done... along with the events of that night. Then came when he finally came out to his school and the amount of bullying he got in return. The memories seemed to return quicker. His second attempt, moving, his whole family dynamic shattering because of his own actions, drugs.... He remembered how happy he felt when he finally got the chance to reconnect with Zoe. Their singing, her playing guitar, those few blissful months of peace he got...before he saw Evan grabbing Zoe's shoulder's and leading her away, leaving Connor all alone to fall...

_______________________

Connor found himself sitting on the grass against the trunk of a large tree, in the middle of an orchid with no one else around. He was holding a guitar and grinning, strumming and humming the notes to a song he used to love. Everything seemed so peaceful... He strummed the last few chords and sang out.

**_"Then the scene fades to black~"_ **

  
  



End file.
